I used to think I was unbreakable. I'd remain positive, optimistic and confident, even when things weren't great, or when there was bad news, I'd recover, I'd find the strength to carry on.
But there's only so much fight in a person isn't there? Everyone has their limits; their "breaking point".
The thing is, individually I'd survive all of our current struggles. If it were just one thing at a time I could cope with ease.
But it's not just one thing at a time. We are suffering a bombardment of difficult situations and none of them are simple. It feels like we are living each day at crisis point just waiting for the next person to kick us while we're down.
I've almost come to expect the worst. Any glimmer of hope is being drained from my thought process day by day. If we have a good day, I always expect the next to be bad. That's our luck right now.
Today has been a catalogue of disasters. The first day of half term I had wanted to get the children out this morning, but when one child doesn't get up until 9.30am, husband needed an emergency doctors appointment due to waking with severe shoulder and chest pain at 10am, daughter flooding the downstairs toilet and spending most of the morning back and forth to the toilet, and husband and I spending an hour searching for our car insurance so that we can tax our car (we've lost the insurance certificate and had to phone for a new one), we had run out of time before lunch.
The little ones are now napping and I've relented and allowed my 10 year old some time on the Playstation. Husband has gone to an appointment and I'm having half an hour to blog before I tackle some housework - something that I have been neglecting since we found out we will be homeless in a couple of months. The house is in chaos. Washing is piled up (both dirty and clean) and there are toys everywhere. I'm not saying I'm lazy, I do washing every day, I hoover and clean every day, but the mountain of "stuff" we have is never ending! Every morning I am having to wash up from the night before, because after I've cooked I've had enough of the kitchen, and husband has been in too much pain to do it.
Part of me thinks I should get a grip and if I have to work myself into the ground and sit and wait for the next knock then sobeit, but the weaker part of me is ready to chuck in the towel, what's the point when I know there's never anything good round the corner?
Then there's the people who think they are being kind with words such as "everything will be ok". I wish I had their crystal ball. Maybe things will be ok in the end, but right now they're not.
I look terrible. My skin is dull and I have dark circles under my eyes. My husband thinks I should be well rested because I have been going to bed quite early some nights, but when you're exhausted every day like I am, both mentally and physically, an early(ish) night does not refresh enough.
Maybe it's time that I finally admit that I am not unbreakable.